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Monster Hunt/Transcript

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(squawks) There's nothing like a cool, crisp, refreshing swim. 00:00:35 Oh, Winifred. 00:00:36 You're like some sun-baked, spray-drenched goddess, yeah. 00:00:42 (theme fromJawsplaying) I feel like I'm 58 again. 00:00:50 (theme fromJawsplaying) (screams) Wini? 00:00:59 Where are you? 00:01:00 Wini?! 00:01:07 (roaring) (yells) (gasping) (screaming) Carl, stop screaming. 00:01:21 The meeting hasn't even started yet. 00:01:23 Sorry, Jimmy but the very idea of a lake monster fills me with terror. 00:01:28 But, Carl, lake monsters are part of the glorious dance of life. 00:01:32 There is no lake monster 00:01:33 This meeting's probably been called to dispel the rumors. 00:01:38 My good friends, as mayor of Retroville I refuse to let some hideous moss-sucking laknste destroy our tourist industry. 00:01:47 That's why I've commissioned local videographers Cindy Vortex and Libby Folfax to present evidence at these hearings. 00:01:54 Ladies? 00:01:55 Thank you, Mr. Mayor. 00:01:57 Lights! 00:01:58 Six months ago, giant reptilian footprints began appearing along the shores of Lake Retroville. 00:02:04 LIBBY: Since then, dozens of eyewitnesses including the recently rescued Miss Fowl and Sam have reported encounters with a mysterious underwater behemoth. 00:02:13 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the lake monster 00:02:18 (audience gasps, shrieks) (gasping and shrieking stops) (gasping and shrieking continues) Boy you've got to be kidding-- that's no lake monster 00:02:28 It looks more like a log or a big sturgeon. 00:02:31 I say it's a lake monster 00:02:33 And I say your brain is as fuzzy as your photographs. 00:02:36 This lake monster is nothing more than an anecdotal confabulation. 00:02:40 That sounds serious. 00:02:42 Fellow Retrovillians, I am offering all the money in our monster capturing fund-- that is a whopping $73.86-- to anyone who can trap this beast. 00:02:51 $73.86? I could buy a new cyclotron with that. 00:02:56 Mr. Mayor, what if I can prove that the lake monster doesn'texist? 00:02:59 Well, I could transfer the money to the "Prove The Monster Doesn't-Exist" fund. 00:03:04 Done. 00:03:05 Carl, Sheen-- to the lake! 00:03:07 (screaming) You going to keep doing that? 00:03:10 I'm sorry, Jim. 00:03:11 I just have some bad associations with this lake. 00:03:14 Everyone has something they're afraid of Carl. 00:03:16 For me it's the crawl space under grandma's house. 00:03:19 For you it's a stupid lake. 00:03:21 What happened here, Carl? 00:03:23 Well, two years ago I came here with my pet turtle, Snappy. 00:03:26 CARL: He was my best friend, but I was allergic to him. 00:03:32 So I had to release him right here on this beach. 00:03:38 And ever since, the lake has filled me with feelings of nausea, blind terror, and then more nausea. 00:03:44 Well, don't worry, Carl. 00:03:46 This won't take long. 00:03:47 A few quick scans of the lake is all I'll need to prove that this lake monster is a big fraud. 00:03:52 Fraud, be it, eh, Chief? 00:03:54 CARL: Red Pirate?! 00:03:56 No, no, Carl, this is Captain Betty. 00:03:58 I chartered his boat so we can look for the creature. 00:04:01 I seen the monster with me own eyes-- 50 feet it was from beak to tail. 00:04:07 Eyes black as pitch, like a doll's eyes. 00:04:12 You mean "action figures." So you say you've actually seen the monster 00:04:16 Aye, Chief, and he give methis as a souvenir. 00:04:19 (Carl screams) Wow! Hey, Jimmy can we get prosthetic limbs after the monster attacks us? 00:04:25 There is no monster 00:04:26 And even if we do find something, I've got more than enough equipment to deal with... 00:04:30 (guffawing) Gadgets go in the water. 00:04:34 You go in with the gadgets. 00:04:36 Monster in the water. 00:04:37 Our monster 00:04:38 Wait, who goes in the water? 00:04:40 You do. 00:04:40 Why'd the monster go in with the gadgets? 00:04:42 The monster goes in with the water. 00:04:45 Our monster 00:04:46 Argh, enough with the flibiddy-jibber. 00:04:48 We'd best get all this fancy gear onboard me boat. 00:04:51 (spewing seafaring gibberish) Captain Betty's cool. 00:04:55 He's like the scurvy, lice-ridden uncle I never had. 00:04:59 Well, guys, are you ready to hit the lake? 00:05:02 (retching) Ready. 00:05:16 Sonar scan of grid 797 completed-- still no monster 00:05:21 Rabbit goes in the hole, does a back flip, comes out of the hole, starts hacking up phlegm, runs around a tree, passes out. 00:05:28 I did it, Captain Betty. 00:05:30 I tied my very first double-hitched, joint-stemmed bow line. 00:05:33 Oh, nicely done, laddy buck. 00:05:36 I like the cut of your jib. 00:05:37 That is why I made you this. 00:05:40 Wow! 00:05:40 A genuine scrimshaw peashooter-- awesome. 00:05:43 Notice how the turtle bone's shaved wafer thin. 00:05:46 I love you, Captain Betty. 00:05:49 Grid 798 complete. 00:05:51 Another pass and I think we're done here. 00:05:57 Are you out of your mind? 00:05:59 Listen, you fancy-talking little maguppy. 00:06:01 You're wasting Captain Betty's time with this junk. 00:06:04 Say, Captain, I've been wondering. 00:06:07 Why are you "Betty"? 00:06:08 (laughs) Thereby hangs a tale. 00:06:14 I was on me maiden voyage, I was-- harvested sea monkeys for a local mail order company. 00:06:21 We took a hit to port. 00:06:22 I staggered to me feet and was greeted by a maw the size of Hoboken. 00:06:27 The monster cracked open the cargo bin. 00:06:30 Our hard-won monkeys went spilling down into its hideous gullet. 00:06:34 Have you ever heard a sea monkey scream, Chief? 00:06:38 'Tis a high-pitched, almost annoying kind of sound. 00:06:41 (high pitched, annoying sound) So, Chief, 970 sea monkeys go into the water. 00:06:49 None come out. 00:06:51 June 3, 1999. 00:06:55 And that's why they call me "Betty." Okay, I think I missed something. 00:06:59 What's your problem? 00:07:00 He couldn't have been more clearer. 00:07:02 I'll tell you what's clear: You're a loony old boat jockey with salt on the brain. 00:07:07 Know what else? 00:07:08 This voyage is over unless someone can explain in the next ten seconds how a giant reptilian monster could possibly exist in a manmade freshwater ecosystem. 00:07:18 Ya-hoy, Jimbo! 00:07:20 Dad? 00:07:21 Hi there, Sport. 00:07:22 Just dumping some of the runoff from your lab. 00:07:25 But, Dad, that's highly contaminated chemical sludge. 00:07:28 How long have you been doing this? 00:07:30 Oh, the last few years or so. 00:07:32 Well, got to get rowing. 00:07:34 Bye-bye now. 00:07:37 This could be very bad. 00:07:43 Uh, Jimmy 00:07:43 I think we need a bigger boat. 00:07:47 Jimmy - that was my turtle. 00:07:50 That was Snappy. 00:07:50 Oh, no-- the contaminants from my lab must have mutated him. 00:07:54 Snappy is the lake monster 00:07:56 (laughing) (guffawing) (screams) (all screaming) monster gulps) monster snarling, boys screaming) (yelps) Hang on, guys, I'll try to get a line on him. 00:08:19 (fishing reel whirring) (crackling) (roaring) Sheen, take the helm and give me full reverse. 00:08:36 I'll do it for Captain Betty. 00:08:37 Full reverse, Chief-- atomic batteries to power. 00:08:41 Argh! 00:08:43 Carl, ready on the freeze charges. 00:08:50 Pull, Chief, put your back into it. 00:08:53 Deploying the freeze charges. 00:09:03 (boys screaming) I think it's working. 00:09:13 Once we get Snappy encased in ice, I'll feed him this de-mutation pellet. 00:09:16 Oh... it won't hurt him, will it? 00:09:19 Not at all, Carl. 00:09:20 In fact, it should return him to normal. 00:09:27 But... but... 00:09:27 He should have been trapped inside the ice. 00:09:30 What happened? 00:09:31 (roaring) Are you okay, Jimmy 00:09:41 Yeah, yeah, b-but where's Sheen? 00:09:43 Sheen? 00:09:44 (panting) SHEEN: Don't worry, mateys-- I survived by breathing through me peashooter. 00:09:50 Peashooter? 00:09:51 That's it. 00:09:51 With a clean shot, we might get this pellet down Snappy's throat. 00:09:55 I'll do it, Jimmy 00:09:57 Snappy's my turtle. 00:09:58 If anyone's doing to de-mutate him, it ought to be me. 00:10:01 (Snappy snarling in distance) (roaring) He's going to ram us-- hurry, Carl. 00:10:09 (Carl panting) Here, Snappy. 00:10:17 Nice boy .. 00:10:23 Smile, you son of a sea turtle. 00:10:29 (gulps) You did it, Carl-- you de-mutated Snappy. 00:10:38 Snappy! 00:10:41 (coughing) Nicely done, Chiefy. 00:10:46 Captain Betty, you're alive? 00:10:49 Aye. 00:10:49 The beast spewed me out of its belly at the last minute. 00:10:53 Well, Captain-- guess you were right about the lake monster 00:10:56 Sorry we wrecked your boat. 00:10:58 Ah, don't you worry, Chief. 00:10:59 A few hours of paddling will get us safely to shore. 00:11:02 SHEEN: How about a lusty paddling tune, Captain? 00:11:06 ♪♪ Farewell and adieu ♪♪ 00:11:07 ♪♪ All you cankled young ladies ♪♪ 00:11:09 CAPTAIN BETTY AND SHEEN: ♪♪ Farewell and adieu ♪♪ 00:11:12 ♪♪ Though my song is quite lame ♪♪ 00:11:13 ALL: ♪♪ For we received orders to sail to Pacoima ♪♪ 00:11:17 ♪♪ And then nevermore will we eat cheese again. ♪♪

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